The death of a long-term partner is one of the greatest fears we can have.
Eventually, either your partner will die first or you will.
Refusing to acknowledge this doesn’t make it less true; it just makes us less prepared.
The Risk Nobody Wants to Talk About
When we lose a partner, there is a “widowhood effect” that takes place, which has a huge influence on our mortality.
Approximately 1 million Americans become widowed every year. In a recent 12-month period, by age 65 and older, 69% of women and 71% of men became widowed. (Securian Financial)
In the first three months after a spouse’s death, the surviving partner faces a 66% increased chance of dying. (Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health)
So how do we prepare for the inevitable?
The Most Overlooked Protection Against the Widowhood Effect
First, develop and invest in individual friendships and interests while you’re still together, so you have support after the death of a partner. A 2024 study found that the widowhood effect is greater among those whose spouses were socially isolated.
Losing a less well-connected partner represents a larger loss of unique social resources. Couples with rich individual social networks each protect the other.
Both partners should invest in individual friendships — not just shared couple friendships. This is the most direct protection against the widowhood effect.
The Money Conversation You’re Probably Avoiding
Second, both partners should be financially functional. Women face the greater financial shock: 49% of widows lose at least half their income. Often, women are not the ones who have handled the finances, so they feel lost at the loss of a partner.
Both partners need to be financially literate — not just the one who traditionally handled the money. Here’s the short list of what both partners should be able to access: wills, trusts, account logins, beneficiary designations, insurance policies, and tax returns.
It’s important to plan for the survivor’s continued financial health, especially if the survivor is a woman. In planning, remember that a surviving spouse gets the larger of the couple’s Social Security checks.
Check beneficiary designations on assets and have at least a will to ensure the spouse is named as 100% primary beneficiary; in many states, if there is no will, the assets are split 50% between the surviving spouse and the children.
The Ancient Practice That Changes How You See Your Partner Today
Third, prepare for the eventual loss of a partner by practicing negative visualization — something the ancient Stoics practiced.
You imagine what life without your partner would be like. This generates two payoffs: deeper appreciation while you’re together, and reduced panic when the time comes.
As I wrote in my blog post Living With and Without the One You Love,
“While we’re still together, we can notice and value the ordinary moments, treat them less casually, and enjoy them with awareness.”
You Will Adapt — Because You Have To
It is difficult but not impossible to live through the loss of a partner and continue to have a happy future.
Recognize that you can adapt and continue on. Every person with a long-term partner has faced this — some handle it well, and others don’t.
As Celia Dodd wrote in Not Fade Away,
“How people adjust to being on their own largely depends on how successful they are in adapting to a change. The fear of not being able to cope is usually worse than the actual coping.”
Start Where You Are
Pick one thing from this post and do it this week.
Have the financial conversation you’ve been putting off. Invest an afternoon in a friendship that’s yours alone. Sit quietly for five minutes and imagine life without your partner — not to dwell there, but to appreciate where you are.
Small moves, made now, change everything later.
The best time to prepare was years ago.
The second-best time is today.
AI Note: I wrote this blog post myself, using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, images, and text improvements.