When Retirement Goes Smoothly—for One Spouse
Bruce and Mary had looked forward to retirement for years.
They both worked in stressful professional jobs and were anxious to leave work and finally have time to travel and enjoy life.
Initially, everything went great during the retirement “honeymoon” phase.
But then Mary became concerned about Bruce.
He was becoming more depressed and unhappy, while she was still enjoying retirement.
What was going on? What had changed?
This is not an unusual scenario.
Men often have more difficulty adjusting to retirement than women do.
Men often struggle in retirement, not because they’re bad at retirement, but because retirement quietly removes the primary place where they’ve proven their competence.
Read on to find out why competency is important to men and what some possible solutions might be.
Loss Is Part of Retirement—for Everyone
When we retire, we lose valuable things. Loss of work often means loss of identity, purpose, meaning, status, value, and friendships.
In his Ted Talk, Dr. Riley Moynes describes the stages of retirement that many retirees experience:
1. Vacation Time. For the first year, retirement is like being on vacation 24/7. You have little or no structure or routine in your life, and you splurge on new toys or travel.
Following this “honeymoon stage” of retirement comes the next stage:
2. Feeling Loss And Feeling Lost. You realize that when you retired, you lost your routine, work relationships, power, responsibility, and a sense of purpose and identity. You feel insignificant and lack a purpose in life.
This “feeling lost” stage affects both men and women—but it tends to hit men harder and last longer.
My wife and I experienced this dynamic. For about the first year, we were both enjoying retirement.
The second year, however, I began feeling depressed and like I didn’t have a purpose or meaning in my life. Was this all there was to retirement?
Why Men Struggle More With Retirement
It’s generally agreed that men have more difficulty navigating the transition to retirement than women.
For many men, work isn’t just what they do—it’s where their friendships, structure, and self-respect live.
They often give 100% to their career and have their identity and purpose wrapped up in their work.
Recently, I read an article by writer Will Storr titled In Defense of Men, in which he argues that men tend to value competence more than women do because they see it as central to their masculinity. He wrote,
“I believe a central component of masculinity is competence. Simply put, it is very important for men to feel that they’re good at something…men, as an averaged-out group, have a greater concern with perceptions of their own competence than women, as an averaged-out group.”
It’s not helpful to preach to men that they shouldn’t identify with their work, or argue that “you are not your work.”
The reality is that many men very much “are their work” because it’s where they demonstrate their competence.
When men stop working, they lose a big part of what it means to be a man. They lose the ability to demonstrate their competency at work.
In his book Notes on Being a Man, Scott Galloway writes,
“In answer to the questions Why are men here? and What do men do? the answer is threefold: Men Protect, Provide, and Procreate.”
No wonder men have difficulty quitting work.
In our modern world, work competence is how men fulfill those core male roles of provider and protector. Stopping work calls a man’s masculine roles into question.
How Men Can Navigate Retirement More Successfully
Each of these strategies has one thing in common: they give men a way to continue practicing competence.
1 . Continue Working—But on Your Terms
At one time, almost everyone who retired did a “cliff-edge” retirement, going from full-time work to no work.
Phased retirement is becoming increasingly popular. This is especially true for professionals, who often can “ramp down” their work from full-time to part-time.
By phasing into retirement, you can continue practicing your competency while reducing your work time and stress.
Phased retirement preserves dignity as much as it preserves income. You maintain that sense of meaning and purpose and competency that you had when you worked full-time.
2. Volunteer Where Your Skills Matter
Not all volunteering works—men tend to thrive when the role actually uses their skills rather than just their availability.
You can continue to practice your area of competency by volunteering in retirement.
For instance, a CPA could volunteer to do the books for a nonprofit organization. Or an event organizer could help a charitable group plan and execute donation events.
By doing so, you continue to do the work you’re best at and maintain a level of status, purpose, and meaning.
3. Develop a New Area of Competence
You can “teach an old dog new tricks.” You can learn and become competent in an area other than the one you worked in.
When I first began my work at the Minuteman Missile National Historic Site, I was only vaguely familiar with the Minuteman Missile System from my career in the Air Force. I had to study, learn new details, and put together a tour narrative that lasted about an hour, which was both interesting and informative for visitors.
Over several months, I became competent in that new area and in giving tours. When we brought in new summer hires, I helped train them. Working part-time as an NPS ranger and now as a volunteer has given me a new area of competency and a sense of meaning and purpose.
4. Prepare Before You Retire
If you’re not yet retired, you might want to develop some non-work areas of expertise, such as hobbies.
What curiosities do you have? What are you interested in learning about or doing and becoming good at?
Do some experiments and exploration well before you retire. When you do leave your work, you will have some other areas of expertise to build on and lessen the impact of retirement.
Teaching, mentoring, woodworking, writing, coaching, volunteering, or learning a technical skill—all count.
Retirement Isn’t the End of Competence—Unless You Let It Be
Many men enter retirement assuming freedom will automatically bring fulfillment.
It doesn’t.
Fulfillment comes from challenge, contribution, and competence—things that don’t magically appear when work ends.
If you’re retired, pick one small experiment this month: part-time work, volunteering, learning something new, or teaching what you already know.
Don’t overthink it. Just start.
If retirement is still ahead of you, now is the best time to prepare—not financially, but psychologically.
AI Note: I wrote this blog post myself, using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, images, and text improvements.
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