The Surprise Many Couples Face After Retirement
Mary and John worked hard for decades to make their retirement dream possible.
They built a custom home in the White Mountains of Arizona, where they vacationed every summer. After they retired, they moved there to live their dream.
But when the work schedules disappeared and the days stretched out endlessly, something unexpected happened—they started irritating each other.
It wasn’t because they didn’t love each other. It was because their entire rhythm changed overnight.
For many retired couples, that abrupt shift—going from rarely seeing each other to seeing each other constantly—creates friction they never had before.
Too Much Time Together—or Not Enough
Most couples fall into one of two extremes once retirement hits: suddenly together all the time, or drifting into parallel lives without realizing it.
Two-career marriages are used to built-in space—commutes, meetings, separate routines. Remove all of that and you’re left with… each other. All day. Every day.
Neither extreme works well. Too much togetherness feels suffocating. Too much distance feels lonely. The real challenge in retirement is finding a healthy balance that protects both connection and independence.
Balance Isn’t Automatic—You Have to Talk About It
Balance starts with an honest conversation.
You may assume you’ll spend every hour together in retirement. Your partner may assume the opposite. Neither assumption is wrong, but unspoken expectations will create tension quickly.
Think of balance as something you negotiate, not something that automatically happens.
Some experts recommend a “70-30 rule,” spending about 70% of your time together and 30% of your time apart. The goal is to find a good balance between time apart and time together, so you can maintain your independence while still being a couple.
Building Healthy Connection Through Time Together
• Share a meal, either at home or out. And of course, no phones are allowed during this time. It’s a great time for you to focus on each other, talk about your lives, and share a time together.
• Traveling together. Shared new experiences can bring a sense of closeness. Even then, sometimes you need some separate time as well. Rather than talking the whole time on a long trip, I’ll often put on headphones and listen to an audiobook or a podcast I’ve recorded.
• Just sitting and talking. Expressing love, affection, and appreciation to each other helps enhance the relationship. Discussing your day or issues that affect you both can provide a sense of togetherness.
• Transition moments. These are interactions that don’t take much time but mean a lot and build over time.
For instance, when you wake up, you greet each other. Text or check in during the day if you’re separate. Greet each other when you get back together. Check in again when you go to bed.
Why Healthy Couples Protect Their Time Apart
Many people feel guilty about wanting time alone once they retire. They think it means something is wrong.
It doesn’t.
Time apart gives each of you space to recharge, think, and stay grounded as individuals.
As Rian Gordon wrote for Utah State University in Time Together, Time Apart: Finding Balance in Healthy Relationships,
“Rather than being a sign of disconnection, choosing to spend intentional time apart can enhance the relationship.”
Choosing intentional time apart isn’t withdrawal—it’s maintenance. It keeps resentment from building and gives you something fresh to bring back into the relationship. The strongest couples are the ones who protect both closeness and independence.
What are some of the things that you can do to spend time apart?
• Personal Renewal: Reading, journaling, meditation—anything that you enjoy doing solo.
• Independent Hobbies: Woodworking, crafting, photography, gardening, whatever you are into.
• Solo exercise: A walk, hike, gym session, or bike ride at your own pace. My wife and I walk two miles in the same park, but we go in different directions because we have different paces and preferences. We both get what we need and come back together afterward.
I’ll often go on longer hikes or backpacking trips by myself. That gives me time to think and time to be alone, and gives my wife time to be by herself.
• Short separations help reset the relationship: A night or two apart can be surprisingly refreshing. Years ago, when I traveled for the Air Force Reserve, those overnights gave both of us breathing room. I enjoyed the time; she enjoyed having the house to herself and doing whatever she wanted to. We always reconnected better afterward.
Build a Balance That Keeps Your Relationship Strong and Happy
Retirement gives couples more time together than they’ve ever had—but that doesn’t mean you should spend all of it side by side.
Healthy relationships need connection and independence.
If you haven’t already, share your individual expectations and see if you can negotiate a compromise that works for both of you.
The goal isn’t a perfect formula—it’s a balance that keeps your relationship strong for the long haul.
AI Note: I wrote this blog post myself, using my own words and thoughts for the initial draft. I used AI only to suggest headlines, section headings, images, and text improvements.
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